She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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