im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
