I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Fuck appropriateness.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
