the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
