I cockslap morals
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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