We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
