Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
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There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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