Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
