Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Dignity is for republicans.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
