it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
