Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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