No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
