how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
