Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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