I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
