i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's never too late to be topless.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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