you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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