You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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