If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
