I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
