Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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