Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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