and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
