ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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