If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
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There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.