before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum