Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?