Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
So squirting runs in the family.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
