Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
