How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
