If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
