Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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