dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
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