I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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