if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
