Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
