i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Randomize
