My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
