Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
