dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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