i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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