My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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