No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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