I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
