Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
