shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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