Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
