grandma shit on top of the toilet
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
