Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
