oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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