Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
don't judge my taste in strippers
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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