so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
