Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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