3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
