Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
