Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
