M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
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you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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