If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
