i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
