stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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