We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
